Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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