last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
