I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
