I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize