gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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