I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
