When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
