Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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