I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
