You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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