I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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