I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
