He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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