I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
