Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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