Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
