since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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