Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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