how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
