Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
