i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
