How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
