god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My nipple is on Facebook.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize