I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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