Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
