why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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