My liver just broke up with me...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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