do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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