Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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