Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All I want is dick and wine.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
