when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
