I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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