she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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