watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I want is dick and wine.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
