That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
what day is it and did you see me today?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
