My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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