I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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