An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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