Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
