Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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