I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Pooping to opera.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
