im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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