If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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