I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
