why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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