On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
