So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I need to calm my uterus...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
