My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
