we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
