Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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