I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
