the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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