Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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