I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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