there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
