she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
