just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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