all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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